Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
