he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
