Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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