im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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