So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
