There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
