I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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