My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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