I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
