i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
