the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Randomize
