when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
