planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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