I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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