I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you didnt know i had herpes?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
God I need to hump something, right now.
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