Ambien. No doubt about it.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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