My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
