Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
