GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
worst night to have a conscience
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
