I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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