omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
