i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
