someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
