weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
