i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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