im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
