This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
