I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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