I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
