That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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