Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Randomize
