I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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