saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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