Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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