finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
