When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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