She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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