i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
