I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
