Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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