Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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