You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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