He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
