then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
