I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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