Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
