i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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