I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
