I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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