I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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