Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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