The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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