Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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