i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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