Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
